my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
