I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
