i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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