Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
God, I missed his penis.
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