Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
