So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
