my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
