1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
