i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
