Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
