Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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