Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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