My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Randomize
