I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
