My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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