Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
