I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
