Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
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