I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
