at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize