Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
