I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
