I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I have tasted many bathrooms
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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