Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
