Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Randomize
