It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
