Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
