She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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