My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
