if you like me you must not know who I am
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
