Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
