I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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