All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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