meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize