I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
