I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
