a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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