def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Randomize