remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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