when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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