I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
what's the vibe there?
extraordinary amounts of gine
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Randomize
