Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Randomize
