He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Randomize
