Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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