You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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