apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
he fucked my hip out of place.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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