I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
