My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
