i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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