The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
