My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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