I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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