Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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