he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
