It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
