no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I just gift wrapped bread.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
