is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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