Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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