Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
