tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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