There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
