I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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