i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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