Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
