it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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