I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
