I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
