It's like a parade of train wrecks.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Randomize
